Lessons From Mom
By: Jan BolickWhat did you learn from your Mom that has helped you in your business or career?
Here are a few things I learned from mine.
Mom went shopping at Bobbitt’s Pharmacy. Two days later, she realized she hadn’t been charged for a $3.00 item. We drove back to Bobbitt’s with item and receipt in hand, so she could “prove” she hadn’t paid for it. She gave the cashier $3.00 and apologized profusely that she hadn’t realized it sooner. She was concerned for the person who had tried (unsuccessfully) to balance the cash register drawer two days before. The cashier was grateful and a bit surprised. It seems that kind of thing didn’t happen very often.
It isn’t unusual to be told about the importance of honesty – especially if there is a risk of getting caught.
Seeing someone demonstrate honesty – even when there is no chance of getting caught – or even after already “getting away with it” – is a true and powerful gift – one that makes it possible to build rock solid foundations of trust with others.
Mom also taught us about education.
Though her “formal” education ended long before I was born, she never stopped going to school. She took classes at Salem College, Forsyth Tech, The School of the Arts, Wake Forest University, The Reynolda House, The Southeastern Center for Contemporary Arts, and on and on. Even if she wasn’t enrolled in a class, she frequently had a book in her lap.
She didn’t “preach” about education. She just showed us through example that there is so much to learn, so much to explore and that it is fun to do it – for as long as you live.
A powerful gift – even more so now in our rapid world of change.
She taught us that answers and explanations can frequently be found in unexpected places.
In the 6th grade, I ran for Secretary of Brunson Elementary School. It was time to write my campaign speech and I was stuck. No idea what to say.
Knowing how I loved to cook, she said, “Why don’t you look in a cookbook?”
In my “what a dumb, idea, Mom” tone of voice, I said, “Why would I do that?”
But I was desperate, picked up a cookbook and flipped through the pages. Then it hit me! What if I made up a Recipe for a Good Secretary? You know – 2 cups of good handwriting, 2 cups of dependability, etc.
My speech was a success. I won the election.
Even more important – I learned the value of looking in unusual places for answers and explanations – a very helpful tool when working with clients who are in tough situations, have tried everything and need a different perspective.
She also taught the value of encouragement.
At 9 years old, I as very nervous about going off to summer camp for the very first time. Now that I’m a Mom, I realize that she was most likely even more nervous.
When I arrive and opened the Army green foot locker that I had so carefully packed for the week, I found a surprise. She must have snuck into the locker after my packing job because pinned to each pair of shorts was a note - daily words of support and encouragement from home.
Camp was a breeze.
When Mom and Dad came to pick me up, I cried. They thought it was because I didn’t want to go home. There may have been a touch of regret – but more of it was relief and pride that I had “made it”!
Sure – I would have made it without these notes. But having them made it easier. She gave me a little support in making it on my own. She also made me feel appreciated and special.
Thirteen years later, I became a manager. I signed all the paychecks and remembering the power of my Mom’s notes, wrote a personal note on each staff member’s paycheck. For one, it might be a congratulatory note on signing a new contract. For another, it might be a thank you for working extra hours.
On payday, I delivered each person’s check with a verbal and written “thank you.”
Initially the preparation of these personalized paychecks didn’t take very long. As our company grew and our staff grew – the project took three to four hours each pay period – six to eight hours per month – a big chunk of time considering other demands of the job.
After about six years of this, we went to an automated payroll system. The checks were prepared and signed by a computer. They arrived at our office in sealed envelopes and were placed in each person’s mailbox.
It was no longer possible for me to write notes. I was somewhat relieved by being forced to let go of this time-consuming chore and chased away any regret by saying to myself, “They probably didn’t care about those notes anyway.”
A few month’s into this new system – several members of my team let me know how much they missed my notes – saying they always eagerly opened the envelope – anxious to see what I had said “this time”. Some even showed me file folders or drawers or boxes where they kept such notes of encouragement – to refer to in tough times.
It seems that my notes gave them strength and courage to do their jobs without me – more so than I even imagined. The notes also gave them reassurance that they were appreciated – a powerful motivator.
It became very important for me to find another way to give that support and encouragement – a subject for another article.
One more thing about my Mom.
There was never a question that Mom would prefer to have us right by her side. It was also clear that she considered it her job to give us the knowledge and tools needed to “leave the nest”.
In her “mothering” she modeled good management. Not hanging on to manage every little thing – not preventing every little fall or fixing every mistake or solving every problem – but giving each team member the knowledge and tools needed – and then stepping aside – letting them do it – coaching or correcting when necessary – and then stepping aside again.
The sign of a superior manager is that things run smoothly when he or she is not around. It’s the sign of a good Mom, too.
Mom died seventeen years ago. I miss her terribly, yet continue to learn and be supported by her every day.
Just like the notes she left “pinned to my shorts” when I went to camp, she left me in this world with words of encouragement, support and wisdom in the form of visions and memories – some at the front of my mind – some archived in the hard drive somewhere.
All I have to do is slow down, retrieve them and learn from them. It fascinates me the way the same stories and memories bring different lessons as I grow and experience more of life.
Mother’s Day is a good day to retrieve those memories – celebrate them, be grateful for them, learn from them.
Actually – every day is a good day for that.
Will you share a story or two about your Mom? Things you learned from her that have helped you in business or your career?
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2003 & 2009 Copyright – Jan Bolick, Business Class Inc
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You brought tears to my eyes…Thank you for sharing..you write beautifully…and Happy Mothers Day to you.
PS Thought you would enjoy these story…all answers to the question asked during the Mother’s Day production of Business Class on the radio. The question, “What did you learn from your mother that has contributed to success in your business or career?”
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Congressman David Price said, “My mother was ambitious for us, but in ways that didn’t create a lot of anxiety or pressure and I’ve always been grateful for that. She always made it clear that she wanted me to do my best, but if my best was a B instead of an A, then the test was whether or not I did my best.
“She also had no career goals that were highly specific, unlike some of my friends whose mothers and fathers were quite sure they were destined to be lawyers or doctors or whatever. My mother & dad never put that kind of pressure on us and I’ve always been glad for that. We were told that doing well was your own reward.
“I had lots of friends that would get a quarter for every A they made and my mother said she would never do that, she would never pay me to make good grades. We might have a nice oyster supper but that’s as far as it was going to go.
“So looking back on all that, I think I had a lot of encouragement, a lot of support. There were some high expectations, but not the kind of anxiety creating pressure or making her children in her own image that I think some parents make the mistake of doing.”
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Aaron Nelson, Executive Director of The Chapel Hill-Carrboro Chamber of Commerce, talked about his mom and many important lessons she taught – one of them – respect for others. It was important to her and she stressed the importance to Aaron and his sister – that independent of a person’s sex or race or sexual orientation or country of origin or religion – that each person deserves respect.
Aaron said that from that also came a real sense of responsibility to community. He said, “Mom always told us that you can never spend too much time working on good projects that will help the community. If you have the flexibility in your schedule or the resources to apply to those things – you ought to. Not just that you should, but that you ought to. She implied that there is a responsibility on her children and the people who she cared about to play a role in the community and not to leave tasks that were important to the community to others to do.….but that we should endeavor to do them ourselves.
“She taught me about honesty and sensitivity to other people, respect for other people and their opinion and about hard work. To work hard for the things we believe in, to stand up for what you believe in even though it may be unpopular.”
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Molly Broad, President of The University of North Carolina, was one of four children born during a five year time span. She described her mother as nurturing, fair-minded, calm, composed and confident – no matter how many activities or challenges she was juggling.
President Broad said, “Her demeanor was so calm she didn’t have to raise her voice – we understood the message, and very rarely did she have to raise her voice or engage in some other kind of punishment. It’s a great skill to be able to communicate in ways that maintain the kind of composure and kind of demeanor with so many things going on simultaneously.”
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Great messages about the importance of respect, composure, discipline and internal versus external motivation – all powerful tools for doing business better and doing it with class.
Sue described her mom as a very patient woman. “I can’t ever remember her raising her voice. Yet she was able to get her point across. She was in no way a door mat.
“She was very kind and considerate – always doing something extra for a neighbor or friend. For years we had a neighbor in his nineties who lived alone. He did all of his own housework and gardening, but could no longer drive. So Mom would take him shopping every week and between trips would often checked to see if he needed anything.
“I hope that some of my mother’s patience and caring has rubbed off on me.”
One summer evening, after an eight or nine hour day working in a tobacco factory, Clay’s needed to stop by the grocery store. Five year old Clay was with her and he was fascinated by the candy display near the cash register – each piece individually wrapped in all colors of the rainbow, just waiting for him to enjoy. Only one problem – no money to buy candy.
Mom was busy with her list & seemed not to notice Clay or the candy. When Clay called her attention to it, she agreed that it was indeed a beautiful display, said they already had candy at home and turned her shopping cart into the next aisle.
She wasn’t looking and so Clay snatched a piece of butterscotch and stuffed it in his pocket.
Safely in the back seat of the car, he unwrapped his prize, put it in his mouth and without even a glance through the rear view mirror, his mom said, “What do you have on your mouth, Clay?”
Guiltily bowing his head, Clay answered that it was a piece of candy.
“Where did it come from?” Mom questioned, as if she didn’t know.
When Clay confessed that he had taken the candy from the store, his mom turned the car around and returned to the scene of the crime.
She and Clay went straight to the cashier and told her that Clay had taken candy from the store and had returned to pay for it.
The cashier asked for two cents. Clay had no money and looked for help from his mom, who very slowly retrieved two pennies from her purse and handed them to Clay who then sheepishly gave them to the cashier & apologized for taking the candy.
The cashier sternly told Clay he should refrain from stealing and Clay promised never to take anything again.
Clay’s mom then took him to the office of the store manager, who had been alerted by the cashier and stood at the door of his office, watching as Clay and his mom walked up the aisle and the 4 steps to his office.
After Clay confessed that he was a thief, the manager assured Clay that he would not take punitive action like sending him to reform school or jail, since Clay had owned up to the theft and paid for the stolen goods.
Very relieved, Clay left the store with his hand in his mother’s, vowing to never steal again.
Today Clay lives in North Carolina and for all these years – has never been fond of butterscotch candy.
Neil’s mom lost her first child at birth and according to his father, she would hear nothing of waiting – she wanted children and wanted to try again right away. And she did. Neil was the seventh of eight children.
“That was Mom”, Neil said. “When her mind was made up, she went after what she wanted. She was outspoken and had a biting tongue when crossed.”
She was also very nurturing. Over the years, Neil watched his mom care for her ailing mother and father. And she stood by his brothers as they experienced personal problems and tragedies.
Through example, Neil’s mom taught him many life lessons – how to make a good living, have fun and take care of his own wife and children, including some special circumstances he has with his son.
Neil, who lives and works in New England told me that though she has been gone now for four years, his mom “is with me always.”
This is lovely. Thanks for sharing.
Every day is Mother’s Day! I thoroughly enjoyed your message. Your insight is delightful.
My mom is a good, patient listener in a house full of passionate, outspoken, talkative personalities. While the rest of us were going a mile a minute, she would be quiet, peaceful and serene.
“To this day, my mom is still the calm within this storm of highly active, opinionated people.”
Great effort here, Jan…your best yet, and that’s saying something
Wonderful words to live by !! Thanks for sharing!